• I WANTED to congratulate the Metropolitan Police Service on their bold new strategy in ignoring crime.

Thanks to the government virtually halving their budget the new home secretary is launching the new regulatory body Ofcrime.

The Met’s clever new strategy of doing nothing about minor crimes such as assault, grievous bodily harm, home invasion, burglary and car theft frees up the remaining 20 police officers to man the new 50 pence a minute 0800 helpline.

You can report your own murder of say yourself, friends or family and take part in a victim support survey from the comfort of your own home or intensive care bed.

Further the handy new Met police app Binrobbed now lets you easily list everything you’ve had stolen that they won’t be looking for.

The brilliant new concept is based on the hope that the huge rise in violence, car theft and the complete breakdown of civil society will seriously impair the various organised crime gangs’ ability to operate.

This bold strategy has full governmental backing and will assist their Brexit immigration policy negotiations as no one in their right mind would want to come to a country whose government and police force has such contempt for the safety and happiness of its citizens.

Remember if you see a crime now tweet about it hashtag met police conservative cuts I’m bleeding in an alleyway sad emoji small coffin.

PHIL RYAN
West Hampstead, NW6