A MARTIAN fallen from a malfunctioning spaceship – trying to settle here and not be put on a prison plane to Rwanda – might wonder what rights anybody has in this country. We all sort of know the fundamentals: a right to a fair trial, a right to free speech (but not to criticise Chelsea), a right to a quiet life, the right to sit on a train without the person next to you eating a Wasabi katsu curry, yada yada yada.

Less well defined are the often talked about but fairly mystical “bragging rights”, as first bequeathed on December 4, 1909, to Arsenal Football Club on the completion of their 1-0 victory against Tottenham Hotspur. I’ll be happy to explain further, for we hear a lot about these rights but not so much about what they consist of and how they are administered. Sealed by candlewax, a scroll detailing “the order of the brag” was once again sent to the Emirates Stadium on Saturday evening, delivered by the King’s guard.

His courtiers had explained that Arsenal, as expected, had handsomely defeated Spurs by three goals to one, and the proclamation of these revered bragging rights could once again be made. Historians tell us that this important constitutional parchment reads as follows:

“This order provides the holder with the universal and absolute bragging rights, and include but are not restricted to the following allowances:

1. Permission to engage in unlimited discussion about how much better [insert name] are than [insert name].

2. The free sharing of any number of amusing jokes about the fact that [insert name] are better than [insert name].

3. Full allowance to express the view in any given forum that north London is [red/white – delete as applicable]. No returns.

4. A licence to display the victorious team’s crest or emblems at any site throughout the city of London, including all along the Seven Sisters Road.

5. 24-hour permission for louder than normal household and vehicular noise, including horns.

6. The right to arrive at a place of work six hours later than contracted on any given Monday after the issuing of this order.

7. If ever granted to the lesser party in the confrontation, these rights entitle the holder to recreate moving images as souvenirs and festive gifts.

8. Authority to write confusingly elaborate newspaper columns on why [insert name] are better than [insert name].”
There are of course regional variations but this was one of the original bragging rights’ orders issued in the UK, a replica of which has been displayed at various museums over the years. Now they have been awarded to Arsenal again, please use responsibly. These rights are hard earned.