I HEARD somebody say this week that you know Arsenal are “back” when everybody starts coming for you.

They were referring not to Liverpool or West Ham United – the teams that have disrupted the Gunners’ title bid over the past fortnight – but TV’s Nick Knowles.

Normally our patron saint of laminate flooring is busy on DIY SOS, the BBC show in which he kindly shows people how they could break free from their desperate housing needs if they were just lucky enough to meet… TV’s Nick Knowles… and have a crew of neighbours willing to scrape off their damp, toxic wallpaper just so they can be on camera.

But this week he took a break from his heaven sent work with the MDF to tweet a social media video of Arsenal players not smiling enough as they signed a souvenir shirt for Sunday’s mascot, demanding they do better next time.

This was only a snippet of the girl’s special day and her father later tweeted back that she’d had great fun, spent more time with the players than seen on screen and led the team out alongside Martin Odegaard with a cheek-to-cheek grin. This didn’t stop reporters turning up at the family’s door, the Dad later relayed, triggered by the online fuss.

Meanwhile, TV’s Nick Knowles learned all about “Arsenal Twitter” the hard way as he was pelted with one example after another of all the community work the players do with local children and patients at the Whittington, and – in fine detail – explanations of all the time they spend with the young mascots before and after the games.

Had he not learned anything from the organised rearguard that met any risk that Tony Adams would be voted off Strictly last year?

So it was time for TV’s Nick Knowles to retreat; after all somebody must be out there somewhere with an outhouse toilet and in need of his angelic makeover touch.

If he does have spare time to waste triggering an Arsenal scandal that never was and then sort through the spicy replies, we can definitely suggest a few thousand mould-infested homes in Camden he’s welcome to fix for free.

Just check the news pages of this paper every week.

The only real way to know if Arsenal are “back, back”, however, would be the sight of a very different archangel to the DIY deity, and I mean a spirit who has shunned us for too long.

He doesn’t need an angle grinder, he doesn’t need a saw.

But – stop for a moment – do you hear the rumble of his chariot? The flap of a winged ankle?

The good soul St Totteringham, the skies tell us, has gathered up some speed. An appearance this weekend would very much confirm Arsenal’s return to normality.